Clothes are piled up on the foot of my bed. The left side of the pile is mostly clean clothes that have recently been removed from the dryer, while the right side is stuff that I have worn over the last few days. The pile has become mixed up enough that the distinction becomes difficult to make, however. There are a few books sticking out from under the pile as well, and at least one DVD. I threw them on the bed when I got home from the book store the other day, and they haven’t moved since.
On the floor next to the head of my bed are even more books and DVDs. The end of my desk nearest the bed has a pile of neglected paperwork sitting on it. In various locations around my room, more dirty clothes are piled on the floor. Each pile contains the remains of one outfit, complete with socks and underwear.
You can always tell when I’m depressed by the state of my bedroom.
I pull off my sweatshirt and toss it on the floor next to the closet. I unbutton my pants, letting them drop to my ankles. I kick them next to my sweatshirt, pull off my socks and underwear, and add another outfit to the floor.
I grab a pair of sweatpants from the pile on my bed. I think they are clean, but I can’t say for sure because they are in the center of the pile. I throw on a pair of bootie socks from the clean side, and I grab a t-shirt. After I finish dressing, I sit down at my computer.
That pile of stuff desperately needs attention. There are forms to consolidate my student loans in there, and I know that I am behind at least two payments on one of them. For that reason, there is also a form to apply for a hardship deferment. I also have some long-neglected financial statements to go over from my bank, and a few other bills that are due any day now.
I try not to even think about the website I was supposed to start for my cousin almost two months ago.
Instead I surf the Internet. When I tire of doing that, I play a game on my computer. When I’m finished with the game I grab a late-night snack of peanuts and a few cheese sticks. I also pour myself a tall glass of iced tea. An hour or more of surfing the web, and I’m ready for bed.
After I brush my teeth, I stand in the middle of the room and look at the pile on my bed. I’ve been meaning to clear it off, but I’m too lazy to fold all of those clothes. Instead I just pull back the covers, crawl underneath, and bury my lower body beneath the pile. As I lay there in bed, I ponder the image of hiding under a pile of clothes in my bedroom. Hibernating, like a bear under a brush pile in the winter.
I’m tired. Tired of fighting battles with invisible demons that only I can see. Tired of being judged by external appearances, or a lack of physical accomplishments. Tired of keeping myself going, when all I want to do is quit. Tired of moving forward, when all I want to do is stop. Tired of waiting for something different.
Tired of hope.
I turn on my portable DVD player and slip into another world. Tonight I am on a 19th century sailing ship, waiting to see if young Horatio Hornblower will be able to get us through the Spanish fleet he has mistakenly sailed through in the fog. I checked out a box set of the A&E series from the library, and so far I’m enjoying it.
At some point I realize that my eyes are closed, and that I’m just listening to the dialogue. Shortly after that, I realize that I’m not even listening to the dialogue anymore. I open my eyes long enough to turn off the player. I slide it next to me on the bed, and then I roll over and go to sleep.
I dream about the past... non-specific images, but they leave an aftertaste of that old feeling of being at college when I was 18, living on my own for the first time and realizing that I have a whole life ahead of me to create...
I wake up in the morning and sit up in my bed, stretching my back for a few moments. I get out of bed and walk over to the master bathroom. When I finish I walk back and stand in the center of my room, surveying the carnage around me. I try to remember my dreams, but I can’t. I just have a strange, subtle feeling stirring deep inside of me.
I slowly bend down and start picking up my clothes.
